Country music to help you get over Country music

The Beaumonts Where Do You Want It
The Beaumonts Where Do You Want It

The Beaumonts

Where Do You Want It

from Saustex Media, 2013
Review by Kent Manthie

On this second of CDs by a quintet from Lubbock, Texas’s, The Beaumonts, entitled Where Do You Want It we get a follow-up from their debut as The Beaumonts “continue to right the wrongs of the recent musical past…” (from the promo bio sheet).

The Beaumonts are a curiosity, indeed.  Before I hit “play” on my CD player I thought for sure that I was going to have a disc that I could rip on, since I’ve had so many CDs that have been from “mediocre-OK” to “WOW” that I haven’t, so far, anyway, received any really shitty music.  I guess that comes from a bit of self-selection, receiving music from a few labels that have great rosters of bands which, for the most part, are pleasing.  And the other thing is that I’ve gotten a lot of DIY homemade super lo fi stuff that is the epitome of cognitive dissonance, with a lot of “bent circuitry, homemade noise devices and well…just about everything but the kitchen sink.  Since I know that it’s such an easy target – too easy to just dismiss and say it’s nothing but noise and (sounding like someone’s old dad) “my five-year old kid could do better…” (you hear that a lot with so-called “modern art”-to me art’s art:  ars gratia artis.  You know.

But, I digress…when I listened to the first cut on Where Do You Want It, “I Like Drinking”, I was laughing my ass off – “I like to drink/I like dance/I like to get high”  – that being the chorus.  Then, the second cut, “I Like Women” was equally humorous.  Then there’s the laugh-out-loud “(If You Don’t) Love the Lord” which is a scream – “If you don’t love the lord, you’re fuckin’ fucked…” (2x) and then “If you don’t love the lord you’re fuckin’ fucked, just like a whore…” – goddamn that is funny!!!

At first glance The Beaumonts seem like a total Country & Western band and, well, maybe they are, in a twisted, crazy-funny way, but they are unlike any country outfit I’ve heard – especially the corn-syrup crap that you hear when you are stuck somewhere where they’re playing a country radio station or album, etc., like a convenience store/gas station or whatever… you stand in line and this awful, twangy, rhythm-impaired white-bread bumpkin junk with the dumbest lyrics you could ever think of (or worse, depends on your imagination) splatter over the rest of it and if you don’t get out of there soon you start feeling nauseated and want to vomit.

At least the Beaumonts aren’t so syrupy and have some damn funny lyrics to boot.  It’s hard to tell if they’re a total parody or if they really are country but want to present their twisted sense of humor and off-the-wall way of looking at life in this format.  Of course, the setting is just perfect – and Country Music is essential for the lyrics, the style as well as the mise en scene.

Where Do You Want It is just screamingly funny – funny in a way that the hardcore/punk band FEAR’s debut, The Record was.  I just can’t imagine how crazy a live show would be by The Beaumonts.  Whatever you do, though, make sure you get familiar with them and check out this album.  It will put Country in a whole new light for you (though, all these Country idiot right-wing nuts who sing about how great living in America is and what a great guy George W. Bush is and all this stupid propaganda that Dick Cheney just laughs his head off over when he’s alone at home.

Well – it’s funny, they are talented, they do play well and they keep a mean beat.  So, take it from me, who was pleasantly surprised that this album was such a hoot.  It’ll be more popular with the young ‘uns who dig Johnny Cash, Rev. Horton Heat and whose parents were into ZZ Top.  Take it from me – the craziest shit just pops up in the craziest places!  -KM.


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