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Pornographers Reviewing Porn

http://reviewermagazine.com/hipster-porn-reviews

Hipster Porn Reviews

Chase Lisbon (http://www.SuperCult.com) and Apnea (http://www.Apneatic.com) crtique adult DVDs

By Chase and Apnea

So Reviewer Rob from San Diego gave Apnea and I a grip of porno movies when we were getting interviewed by him down in San Diego. I told him that I probably wouldn’t be the best person for this job… I’m assuming that companies give these to the media in hopes of selling copies of them, but I have to tell it like I see it. At the time all I could see was a crate of free porn, so it seemed a worthwhile trade… months later we’re sitting in front of a 60 inch plasma TV scaring the neighbors with two hours of this shit on surround sound with more bass than a Master P special edition HUMMER.

Okay so the movie is called “Anally Yours, Rebecca Linares”

Chase : “What do you think of this music?”

Apnea : “It’s fine for a porn.”

C : “Is this like the music you danced to in your rave days?”

A : “Yep. Just like this. I might have this on vinyl.”

Opening Credits/Intro. Dance music comes on. Sounds like it would be the Brazilian Olympic Haircutting team’s anthem.

A : “Her makeup looks good… I’m surprised that the production quality for this video is this terrible. I would expect more from Hustler.”

C : “Have you seen a lot of Hustler movies?”

A : “This is my first one.” (laughter)

The intro keeps playing while I try to take notes. It’s the first time I’ve ever watched a porn with a pen and paper.

A : “That’s disgusting.”

I look up to see a big razor burned coastal highway-sized vagina, hand in hand with a huge asshole pouring out cum.

Scene one : Some jail cell.

A : “Christ, I think I’ve been on that set before….Hey…have you ever seen a jail cell with a bare mattress on the floor like that?”

C : “No.”

A : “We’ve both been in jail. You know that’s not what it’s like. And she’s not dressed appropriately at all.”

C : “Ya, this girl is dressed like she works at Spencers but shoplifts from Hot Topic.”

A : “Her makeup looks good.”

C : “They matched it to the colors of those rings she stole from Claire’s.”

A : “The girl holding the camera sounds so familiar. That sounds just like Nikki Hunter.”

C : “All porn people sound like that.”

So basically for awhile this girl is sitting around in jail being harassed by the female camera operator until this man with an erection comes running out of nowhere.

A : “Where did that dick come from?”

Then there’s just a bunch of this camera-woman ordering this girl to “suck dick” and “bob on that cock” and “suck those balls” and initiating great dialog such as:

Camera woman : “What does that dick taste like?”
Jail Hooker : “It tastes so good!”
Camera woman : “Yah? You’re so wrong…”

I’m not watching as I scramble to write this, so I ask Apnea what’s going on.

A : “She’s sucking a lot of dick and balls and getting her plastic jewelry caught in her labia.”

Suddenly, the girl from behind the camera gets into the scene.

A : “Holy shit! That really is Nikki! I knew it!”

So this whole thing is just getting weird now. Fast forward.

Scene Two.

C : “Are you kidding me? This girl’s underwear looks like the underwear they must have been wearing under those costumes in Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video.”

She’s wearing a pink vinyl, spike-belt underwear atrocity. The male actor comes out and I gasp.

A : “Oh my God I’m going to vomit…What’s that tattoo? Is that a zebra? I think that’s the Fisher Price zebra.”

Then he puts it in her mouth. Then he puts it in her pussy. Then he puts it in her butt. There’s some gasping, moaning, and gaping. There’s always a dick going out of one thing and into another.

A : “What did she just say?”

C : “She said, ‘I want one for Christmas.'”

A : “One what?”

C : “I think she wants a ‘dick in her ass’…cause…she said it once he put his dick in her ass. I don’t think this girl speaks a lot of English.”

A : “This is so boring.”

C : “This girl kinda cracks me up. And this dude breathes just like Darth Vadar.”

A : “I don’t like this guy at all.”

C : “This guy has huge loads. Like, Death Star sized loads.”

The rest of the movie is a bunch of girls and guys “doing it” in all sorts of ways. There’s a bunch of cum and weird shit and people saying things they might not mean. There’s even a scene called “Milk My Ass” which I opted to skip due to my serious dislike of milk. Apnea puts it on anyway, and I start to gag, but only from her outfit and see-thru bluish-white skin. Her outfit is seriously disgusting. It looks like a… a..a like a hooker and a six year old Madonna fan both got into that device that fused that dude and a fly together in ‘The Fly’ resulting in some sort of sickening see-thru fiendish porno ghoul…60 inches across the
screen…all veiny and Glacier-like, with various sizes and colors of fishnets and plaids. The sight alone could sink the Titanic.

C : “They should have called this scene ‘Tan My Ass, Please. No, Seriously, My See-Thru Blue Skin is Disgusting’.”

A : “It must have been slim-pickens in wardrobe that day.”

C : “This scene makes my genitals shrink. Like skinny dipping in the cold.”

A : “She’d be cute if she wasn’t wearing clown clothes. Black fence net thigh-highs? A blue fishnet shirt? A plaid skirt with red garter straps that never connect to the stockings? Unacceptable.”

The scene ends with an anal cream pie…oh right…”Milk my Ass”…I get it.

The next scene starts.

C : “This whole thing is a disaster.”

A : “Another fishnet shirt? Leg Avenue must be giving Hustler a pretty sweet deal when they buy in bulk.”

C : “Skip this scene. I hate it. I hate everything about this movie. It’s grossing me out. This whole movie looks like it was styled and produced by a business running production out of a kiosk in the mall. From the hair, to the lighting, to the makeup, to the wardrobe, to the dudes doing the effing.”

A : “Her eyebrows make me want to scream….wait….is he flacid?”

C : “Wouldn’t you be?”

A : “She sounds like she’s drinking a slurpee.”

C : “I know…you can’t understand anything this girl says at all. She’s like the Exorcist….did she just say, ‘ya, fuck that tailor man pussy? fuck a sheee-slerrp?'”

A : “The guy is funny though.”

C : “Ya, he keeps saying, “shhh shhh” and she keeps screaming those garbles and making that slurp sound.What’s up with that sound? She doesn’t even have
anything near her mouth. If I was having sex with this girl I would stop and walk away.”

A : “She’s not saying real words is she? She sounds like a fire alarm.”

And then he comes on her tongue-ring ball, and she spits it on the camera. Which was gross by the way. And the rave music comes back. The movie ends, and
we clap because it’s over.

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Review # 2

Hustler Video presents Barely Legal : Cumming of Age #2

Instead of Apnea and I having a long drawn out conversation, we decided to draw out a series of charts to tally up the amount of times the ‘talent’ in this movie uses certain words and phrases. Keep in mind, we only watched two scenes in the movie. Before we started, we made a list of words we expected to hear and we were both shocked at the final tally, I mean, how are you gonna have an hour of porn and only hear the word “ass” once and “butt” once? I guess there’s just no predicting what would come out of these people’s mouths, but we’re always certain what’s going to go into them.

Here’s the final breakdown.

Fuck : 57
Ass/Butt : 2
Mouth : 6
You like that? : 1
Yea/Yes : 293 (250 came from one scene alone)
Suck : 7
Cock : 10
Feels good : 6
God : 18
Cum : 4
Sexy Nipple : 1
F’Ya : 1
Ew : 5 (But that was from Chase and me)

Here are some awesome phrases that weren’t on our scoresheet.

“You got that juizy pussy”
“I got you”
“Please…you like my dick better”
“Thrust!”
“Woooahyo”
“Teaching your pussy some tricks, ya?”
“Ahbooblebesh!”

Overall, there were a couple of cute girls in this movie. And the foreign guy was pretty funny. There was even a scene where he pulled his pants down to his ankles, got on his back and pulled his feet towards his face, and said,

“You know what is the best? I show you. I got balls. Two. Oh look at that! Suck my balls.”

And then when she only sucked one of them for a minute, he said, “You know, I have two of them.”

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Chase and Apnea having an ironic moment:


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Click this and check out the tattoos that Chase’s Supercult posse have done on themsleves ~ SuperCult Tottoo Gallery.

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