by Reviewer Rob<\/p>\n
My dad died 25 years ago this month. It was early Saturday morning on December 6th, 1980, when my mom and her friend who was staying with us to help through this time woke me up to get me out of bed and tell me. He was in the VA Hospital at UCSD and had been expected to go at any time, but still you never really expect something like that when you\u2019re 16 years old. Or at least you don\u2019t know what to expect. Even so I\u2019d felt ready for his passing for a while. Now, after a lifetime of chronic alcoholism that had wrecked his health, other illnesses and occurrences had culminated in a final year of cancer treatments that finished him off.<\/p>\n
It was 3 a.m. but I stayed up and hugged my mom as she sobbed, said nothing really, what was there to say?, and then went back to bed. The day earlier my mom had told me that I should make a trip over to the hospital and see him since it wouldn\u2019t be very long now. I drove out there and went up to the cancer ward or where they had him and asked for his room. My mom was pretty much seizing up emotionally by this time as she was faced with the prospect of losing my dad, and I\u2019d been opting to go to see him alone since it was too hard to deal with mom. I was their only child, and the whole thing was always a lot to bear. Mom would just get so angry at everything all the time.<\/p>\n
One time in that final year after the cancer diagnosis I was taking my dad\u2019s car to the beach early in the morning before sunrise, going surfing at Cardiff or Windansea with a couple of friends. I was on Black Mountain Road, coming from Rancho Panasquitos where we lived, when I took a corner wrong and crashed, rolling three and a half times down a steep embankment off of a sharp turn on what was the dirt road in 1980. Even though he was in treatment dad still worked as a bar manager but that was a day my mom didn\u2019t have time scheduled at her real estate office, so I asked to borrow his car since it had more room for boards, and he would take hers. Amazingly none of us in the car were really injured. Although the car rolled three times even our surfboards were alright. After the crash we hitchhiked a ride back to one of our houses from a passing truck and when we got to my buddy’s place and calls were immediately made one of our girlfriends called my house and told my mom what had happened. Mom of course freaked out and called dad, who was probably opening one of the bars he managed in San Diego, either Bernie\u2019s Hof Brau downtown, The Anchor Inn in Old Town, or The Iron Maiden in Clairemont Mesa. He called to find me at my friend\u2019s house. I felt so ashamed; I had been so careless and crashed his car, and here he had cancer. My buddy looked pale when he said it was my dad and handed me the phone. I knew he\u2019d be pissed but to my surprise he only seemed to want to hear that I was OK. When I told him yes, but dad the car is wrecked, he said, \u201cI\u2019m just glad you\u2019re OK.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now while I performed this duty and drove to the hospital I wished there were some words I could utter to make the pain go away and make things better for him.<\/p>\n
By this time my father had had a stroke while in treatment and was wasted away and incoherent. I guess they didn\u2019t believe in morphine for dying men at the VA or something because he was clearly suffering terribly. I tried to give him a drink of water from the cup with a straw on the table next to his bed, but he just looked up and at me sideways, his big blue eye registering me for just a moment, and then shook his head away from the water I tried to offer. I told him I loved him and I said my goodbyes.<\/p>\n
I knew my mom\u2019s eyes were hazel, and mine had turned out green, but I remember being startled that I never really saw before how blue my dad\u2019s eyes were until that moment.<\/p>\n
Afterward I went to the elevator and out the front doors of the VA, past a row of American flags and out to the parking lot. Trying to collect my thoughts or get my mind off of all this I drove to the beach to go surfing. The day was grey and cold, and the waves weren\u2019t any good. Even so I surfed Black’s Beach that night until the sun set.<\/p>\n
A couple of days later it rained. That night, when the announcement came on the radio that John Lennon had been shot, it was early evening and I was driving on Mira Mesa Boulevard. Right after the announcement finished the headlights to my Datsun pickup went out, something they did due to recurring faulty wiring in that truck. It didn\u2019t affect the radio so as I searched in and around the glove compartment for my flashlight and some spare fuses I listened to a Beatles or Lennon song. I noticed how cold the night was, and how dark it was out there. I was 16 years old and all I could look for was some better days ahead but what was foremost in my mind at that moment was, \u201cFuck – first my dad dies and leaves me to deal with my neurotic mother, and now this. This sucks.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every year when the anniversary of John Lennon\u2019s sudden murder rolls around and all the feelings of celebrity nostalgia come out in the media, they always get mingled for me with a more real sense of loss, one that makes the grief of others and the ways they choose to deal with it a bit easier for me to understand.<\/p>\n
Today I don\u2019t know if I can say that time has really lessened the grief of my dad\u2019s passing, but it has made me realize what was lost that much more. RR<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Day My Father Died by Reviewer Rob My dad died 25 years ago this month. It was early Saturday morning on December 6th, 1980, when my mom and her friend who was staying with us to help through this time woke me up to get me out of bed and tell me. He was in the VA Hospital at […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[478],"class_list":["post-316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-archive","tag-the-day-my-father-died"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":26,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2009\/05\/10\/thoughts-on-mothers-day-by-alt-photog-chase-lisbon\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":0},"title":"Thoughts on Mother’s Day, by alt-photog Chase Lisbon","author":"admin","date":"May 10, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"I really love my mom to death.by Chase Lisbon, from his blog post at Supercult.com[At right, Chase's photo of his mother, 2009. Click to enlarge.]I love the hell out of my mother. She got wicked upset with me the other day at one of those restaurants where Koreans make sushi\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "archive"","block_context":{"text":"archive","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8939,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2013\/06\/18\/leos-family-photo\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":1},"title":"Leo’s Historic Family Photo","author":"Reviewer Rob","date":"June 18, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\"There is a special place in my heart for old photographs.\" ~Leo MalevanchikTweetSan Diego Art and Fashion Photographer, and Former Russian Refusenik, Leo Malevanchik Shares His Precious Family Photo with Reviewer Magazine: Check out Leo Malevanchik\u2019s description of the stern looking people his family heirloom photo below: \u201cThe man on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "art"","block_context":{"text":"art","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11044,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2014\/12\/30\/that-ramzi-abed-is-brock-doom-is-no-mister-e\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":2},"title":"That Ramzi Abed is Brock Doom is no Mister E","author":"Reviewer Rob","date":"December 30, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Gonzo Film Maker Ramzi Abed Strikes Again With Two Offerings: Mystery World Of Sex and Telephone Worldby Reviewer Rob I\u2019m not sure what I was expecting when I took the time to watch both of these DVDs from Ramzi Abed. The initial dismay at their poor production quality slowly gave\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "archive"","block_context":{"text":"archive","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10344,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2014\/07\/25\/10344\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":3},"title":"returning the stones: granite from my hills","author":"Reviewer Rob","date":"July 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"A piece of homeby Reviewer Rob This is a piece of granite I took from the hills of North Penasquitos where I grew up. It's not from the actual street from my childhood but close by, and the geology is pretty much the same all over there. It just means\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "adventure central"","block_context":{"text":"adventure central","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/adventure-central\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":6637,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2012\/05\/02\/art-fist-collective-presents-your-mom-a-group-art-show-with-a-freudian-twist-may-11th\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":4},"title":"Art Fist Collective presents “Your Mom,” a group art show with a Freudian twist, May 11th","author":"admin","date":"May 2, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Art Fist Collective presents \"Your Mom,\" a group art show with a Freudian twist, May 11thTweet Art Fist Collective presents \"Your Mom,\" a group art show with a Freudian twist. Friday May 11th, 6-11pm, Zepf Alt Gallery, 1150 7th Ave. Downtown San Diego with live performance by Granny Pearl Featuring\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "art"","block_context":{"text":"art","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":414,"url":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/2008\/01\/13\/now-you-see-me-now-you-dont-movie-review\/","url_meta":{"origin":316,"position":5},"title":"Now You See Me Now You Don't movie review","author":"admin","date":"January 13, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"[indy film]Now You See Me Now You Don'tReviewed by Lori Abel Hungarian filmmaker Attila Szasz created a visually poetic movie \"Now You See Me Now You Don't\". The story is quite unusual being a supernatural thriller and family drama. The movie uses dense visual metaphors more than scripted lines. Mom,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "archive"","block_context":{"text":"archive","link":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=316"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reviewermag.com\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}