Goldman Sachs Sucks

by Olivia Allin
[Reprinted here with permission by the author from the April 28th entry at thefrisky.com. ~Editor]

Shun, Shag or Marry

The Goldman Sachs bosses are in hot water. The Subcommittee on Investigations made sure they were thorough with a nearly 11-hour questioning of them this week, asking whether their firm “made significant bets against the mortgage industry while selling their clients toxic assets.” Basically, while the economy went down the crapper, these guys were raking in dough. While I would love to shun the lot of them, because I am a respectable journalist, it is my job to decide which Goldman Sachs bosses should be shunned, shagged, or married. [Huffington Post, Daily Mail]

SHUN: Lloyd C. Blankfein
Blankfein has been Chairman of the Board and CEO since 2006 and was voted “The Most Outrageous CEO of 2009” by Forbes magazine and alternatively, “2009 Person of the Year,” by the Financial Times, which stated, “His bank has stuck to its strengths, unashamedly taken advantage of the low interest rates and diminished competition resulting from the crisis to make big trading profits.” Yeah, I think it’s that “unashamedly taken advantage of” that people are so riled up about. He once joked that he was “doing God’s work” and unapologetically said that Goldman Sachs probably would have survived without the government bail-out. He is also one of the highest paid executives ever. He does get points for being involved in charities. But he loses points for looking a lot like Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer. And he has this really crazed look in his eyes. [Financial Times]

SHAG: Gary D. Cohn
Cohn is the Chairman, Chief Executive Officer and Director at Goldman Sachs. He makes nearly as much as Blankfein but isn’t such a loon. Cohn and his wife grew up together in Ohio and have three kids, which proves he’s not a psychopath. Maybe. Plus, they work together with several child psychiatry charities. Cohn’s not particularly shag-able, and the severe line across his forehead is super distracting, but after seeing stills from Verne Troyer’s porn, there’s no way we’re letting Blankfein into bed. Cohn was also the only man in the top three that went to American University instead of Harvard, which might mean he won’t rub that in your face when you mention your alma mater and maybe he couldn’t rely on his school’s reputation and connections and had to work a little harder. Either way, he was just the second least awful choice.

MARRY: David A. Viniar
Executive VP Viniar has been with the company since 1999 and is also head of the Operations, Technology, Finance, and Services Division … which seems like a lot. I can maybe look past the fact that one of his emails from 2006 said, “On everything else my basic message was let’s be aggressive distributing things because there will be very good opportunities as the markets goes [sic] into what is likely to be even greater distress and we want to be in position to take advantage of them.” Maybe because I feel like the fact that Viniar’s worth is almost half that (at an estimated $35 million) of Blankfein and Cohn, he’s got to be less at fault for the financial crisis. Plus, I’m really shallow and appreciate the fact that Viniar has a full head of hair and full lips. He also has a really soothing voice and when he’s talking in financial jargon, I can fall asleep in two minutes flat. Which is really all I can ask for in a husband.

~OA